Top Ten Reasons Moving is Like Having a Baby
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#10… It is a “woman” thing.
For most women, their home is a living, breathing organism with unique needs, quirks, and personality (usually a reflection of their own). It is her corner of the universe, her command center, personal sanctuary, and place of business of which she is the domestic CEO. A woman’s home is the very essence of her identity. However, for most men, a house is simply a place to eat, sleep, and store his electronics. This remains one of the cosmic mysteries between men and women.
#9… The urge to “nest” replaces the need for sleep.
A woman will lie awake into the wee hours wondering if the polka dots will clash with the bumper pattern or if the serving tray will look better on the nesting tables (pardon the pun) or the floating shelves. This same woman will leave the warmth of her husband’s side in the middle of the night to reexamine the fabric swatches or to audition the serving tray in various corners of the room just to be sure. Relocating and expecting a baby are the only acceptable excuses to allow such obsessive neuroses to go untreated by a medical professional.
#8… At some point, you change your mind, but it is too late.
Ironically, midwives call this phenomena, “Transition”– an indication that the time for delivery is near. For a woman in the throes of moving labor, this is usually the part where her possessions are hanging out the back of a trailer and/or spilling out onto the front lawn and somewhere off in the distance, she hears her toddler trip and fall over a detached dryer hose. Moving men call this phenomena, “White Lady Problems.”
#7… When people tell you that your new addition is adorable, they are lying. to. you.
Everyone knows that newborns look more like Alien spawn than baby people. Yellow cone heads with puffy eyes and abnormally disproportionate hands are the farthest thing from adorable. Equally as hideous is the pervasive smell of cardboard and the misplaced electric mixer currently taking up residence in the bathtub. Does your new addition have potential? Perhaps. Is it adorable? Hardly.
#6… What was once neatly tucked away is now spilling over on all sides.
A nursing bra playing host to two lobster buoys just above what was formerly called a waistline but now looks more like a Shar Pei puppy has wrapped himself around her mid-section– this is the postpartum Body-Beautiful. Incriminating photos from Spring Break 1997 in Panama City Beach, Florida next to an pack of hemorrhoid suppositories hanging out of an open box in the middle of the living room floor–this is the post-relocation Visual Nightmare.
#5… Recovery takes 1-3 months depending on the intensity of the delivery.
‘Tis the season for unanswered emails and voicemail, paper plates, Chinese takeout, and a Get-Out-of-Recycling-FREE pass. Don’t worry about getting back into the swing until the hostess at the China Moon recognizes you on the caller ID, greets you by first name, and asks if you’d like to order “the usual”. The good new is that there is grace for long recovery– there’s also a Chin Chin on the next city block.
#4… Things just don’t fit like they used to.
No one expects your new place to resemble a spread from the Elle Decor Lookbook any more than they expect to see you slip back into your 27’s anytime before a child’s first birthday… or fifth birthday… or before his rehearsal dinner. On second thought, go ahead and accidentally leave your 27’s on the moving truck along with the Spring Break pictures of you posing in them. You don’t need those staring you in the face for years to come.
#3… Everyone has an opinion.
“That couch should go there.” “That baby’s hungry.” “You’re going to name her what?” “Shouldn’t you hang that a little higher?” “Your neighbor looks like a profiler for America’s Most Wanted.” You have heard the phrase, “Everyone is entitled to their opinion”. To this, you may respectfully add… “and I am entitled to ignore it.”
#2… The meal train’s a comin’ through.
This is one of the only perks of moving. Not to mention, if you live anywhere in the Southeast {more specifically, the Bible Belt} and are at all considering having more children, the Casserole Cascade is reason enough to both procreate and/or relocate. Should you decide to do both simultaneously, you may very well not have to by groceries until your child is well into Kindergarten. Consider the economical benefits.
…and the #1 reason that moving is like having a baby.
IF YOU REMEMBERED HOW PAINFUL IT WAS, YOU WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
Have a great weekend!
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